Fine... and a little unwell
I don't like at all the silence before the storm. You just sit there... waiting for something big, good or bad to happen. I can simply feel it... It is so dam calm and quiet and threatening.
This week I have nothing else to do but work and study. End of August, the city is still empty and in about 2-3 weeks old and news students start to come back. I always found it so sad and unfair that they all leave and let the city empty during the summer. What happends with us, born here?
Then at the end of September... BOOM! Everybody wants everything from me and I want everything from life:
keep my boss happy with the sales
perfectly running new export company run mostly by myself
attend to all the courses in school I want
take the best time I can in AIESEC
start German classes
go to the gym everyday
go to every new play at the theatre
Last year I said I can do it, no problem. Only half of these happened. Now I say I want to do it and I'm afraid.
Music...
I couldn't have said it better right now...
<All of a sudden that song you hear, whether you're the composer or not, will sweep that away. Music has that amazing power. It puts you in a place where nothing that currently matters, matters."
The idea of suspending time through immersion in the moment, pulses through "The Last Goodbye," where the singer expresses the desire to merge with her beloved for eternity. "Let's just live here in the moment, sharing something real because anything else is wasted time / Just let me grow old, here by your side, until the end of time, til the last goodbye."
"Instinct, music, inspiration, food, when you taste something and it's beyond words, love, a kiss, making love, suspending moments make life worthy of living," these are the elements of Lara Fabian's aesthetic and philosophy. "Basically, it makes it worth the fall, the fall from I don't know where. We all have the feeling we don't belong. We all have the feeling, 'What is this? What are we going through? Do we live? And in which world?' What kind of relationships do we really have?' We all question ourselves in this way. So these suspensions--the moments where we truly grasp the essence and we taste life and we enjoy it in the deepest way--make it worth being where we are.">>
We live then for these suspentions, for little moments. These are all that matter. I always knew this, but I often forget. Too often, as most of us.
9 days in Germany
I am back home, a little tired and I had almost 3 full weeks only with rain. When I left from Cluj it was raining for one week and when I got to Frankfurt it started to rain, and it was like this all the 9 day I was there. I would never have believed I'd miss home so badly, because I enjoy traveling and never knew what home sick means.
The country is wonderful, each day was full and I have done a lot of things. At least my work agenda has now high goals and lots of tasks. Shortly...
- I had the first flight in my life. I can say I don't like flying, I felt like my head is going to explode while taking of and landing, but the actual flight was great and I love to watch the clouds when the Sun is shining. I realized now that I love my town and my country, I had an unexpected big grin on my face when I checked out last night in Cluj/Napoca
- I met the client I knew until know just by e-mail and phone. Great person, going through a lot in the past months. He has hundreds of pictures in albums with his 10 years old son, each with a comment, with the tickets from cinema, museums or anywhere they have been together. Has loads of cooking books, good music and small pigs figurines collection :)
- I met a 23 years old girl, working for him. I admire her for the power she has. She was unemployed for about 2 years while going to a lot of interviews. Now she is in training period and learning. She moved from her town, left there all her friends, family, a music band she was singing in to follow the one she loves. They now broke up.
- I woke up at 6:30 almost every day and I had for the first time in my life 3 big meals per day at the same hours :) I think I would put some weight if I would stay a little more. I learned how to make Champions with cheese, and French pie
- I received a lot of presents and samples from potential customers I visited. I went with a 10,5 kgs luggage and returned with 2, total of 25 kgs
- I had dinner in a whisky restaurant next to a castle ruins and in a beautiful Chinese restaurant
- I missed somebody badly everyday
Summer feelings
I am in my office. Friday night and I have just stopped working. Sometimes I just think that it is not normal and ok to leave home earlier. That if I want to achieve my goals I should work my ass off. That the vacation in August is not normal and people should work at the same level. That if I do nothing one day I am at no use to humankind.
I just hate that starting with October I cannot be fully in one place. I will have to split everything in 4: AIESEC, school, job and personal life. I want so badly to be equally the best in these 4. I don't want one to be more important than the other. I hope I will never have to choose and that I will never disappoint. I don't want to. This is not a concern, it is just a small threat.
Until now I sacrificed two of them favor of the other two. During this time of the year I usually think I found the right answer... were the balance is and how to achieve it" During this time of the year I usually say "Now I know, starting this autumn it's going to be different." Of course it didn't happen in the past 2 years.
But now it is not the same feeling. I don't feel I know the answer and I don't want an answer. I just know that I am more positive and self confident that never. Answers about the future, don't matter.