I go in the block were I live. The delivery man from the post office is stading there with a bunch of letters in his hands, electricity bills it seems. He is really tall and skinny, wearing huge sun glases covering his face, walking and talking really fast [unlike the commom romanian post officer] He seems to be extremelly proud of his job and motivated.
Delivery man:Hello, hello... me: hi Delivery man: You live here? me: yes Delivery man: Then you've got a letter! me: oh... you mean a bill Delivery man: yes, yes... electricity. What appartment? I can give it to you right away! me: 36 Delivery man: let me see...let me see. There you go 39! You have two! me: no, it's 36 [smiling] Delivery man: rigtht, right. 36...let me see...let me see. What's the name? me: Topan Delivery man: Ohhh Topan? Oh I know you! me: really? Delivery man: Yes, yes! You've got a lot of mail! A lot! me: well... [shy smile] Delivery man: You should check the box everyday! You've got a lot of mail! A lot! me: yes, I do [another smile... what should I say??? I really don't have a lot of mail?] Delivery man: Oh yes of course I know you... Tzopan, 36. There you go... the electricity bill me: Thank you Delivery man: You're welcome, your welcome. Check the box everyday! You've got a lot of mail! A lot! This boxes are wrong... letters can fall out! Be careful! me: I will... godbye [stupid smile blocked on my face]
I have been there! Ever since I was a kid I had this fear... that if I climb a tree I wouldn't know how to come down. Yesterday I was there... in a cherry tree, right in the top! [and yes it was high]
My "motivation" were the big cherries in the top, even though I could easily pick others from down. We all know how those from the top are sweeter, bigger... ah just better :) The view was incredible... I could see so far and wow we have beautiful country. Funny how I needed a cherry tree to see that. Once I saw myself there, I liked it so much that I think I stayed there more than one hour. The output:
1. I had enough cherries for the next 5 years 2. I think I have an allergy... :( maybe from the cherries or the dam ants that enjoyed to much my skin. It itches :(
Yesterday was a strange day. I had the "Money and credits" exam at 6 pm. I am going to fail it...I am no financial consultant for sure. The day seemed to go normally, I woke up early and had my coffee while reading on the balcony.
One small detail can ruin my day and when are more "details" then it's a disaster. The only way to enter the beautiful Faculty campus is this alley... when it rains you have to make ballet to enter. I slipped and almost broke something. And I pay for school!
10 meters away a horse was eating from the garbage! Beautiful building... beautiful animals... beautiful exam.
Is it too much to ask for just a normal school?
PS: I am just complaining for nothing :P but I have a new slogan: "If there is something I can complain about then I will" [just for this exam session!]
If I would choose "loneliness" as a criteria I would say there are two kind of people: those who cannot stand to be alone for too long and those who have been lonely a lot and got used to it, it is part of who they are.
Last night I slept over at a friend's place. She is 40, divorced for two years. I ended up being friend with her while her daughter was my best friend. Not anymore... now. She called me yesterday that she cannot sleep because she's alone at home and asked me to sleep over. Well she managed to sleep and rested for a long work day. Then I couldn't sleep, because I wasn't in my bed. I was thinking how her being lonely just for one night and reached for help. She just cannot face and deal with loneliness.
Those from the other category, have learnt so well to deal with it that they are even extremelly socially active [having a lot of friends, going out, having fun etc]. This is were the missunderstanding from those who read this may appear. This people are lonely even if they are in a room with 200 people or sit at a table with their friends. They are not socially inapt... it is just a part of them, loneliness... and they don't need to reach out for help.
__________________________________________ Loneliness as the Human Condition?
Some existentialist philosophy views aloneness as the essence of being human. Each human being comes into the world alone, travels through life as a separate person, and ultimately dies alone. Coping with this, accepting it, and learning how to direct our own lives with some degree of grace and satisfaction is the human condition.
However, other existentialist thinkers argue the opposite. Human beings might be said to actively "engage" each other and the universe as they communicate and create, and loneliness is merely the feeling of being cut off from this process.
Also, Buddhist philosophy argues that loneliness may be completely overcome by making authentic connections to other human beings, on an emotional level. Under this viewpoint, loneliness is therefore the opposite of the natural human condition; it then becomes the lack of action against a human system as constant as hunger or thirst. Loneliness becomes the lack of action.
It rained really hard today. At some point the sink in the kitchen started to make strange noises and push out water... I got really scared. Thank God the rain lasted only about half an hour cause I could have drowned there! [joking of course - but it did looked like the sink scenes from the horror movies!]
I don't know why this rain gave me a strange crippy feeling... like none before. The raindrops were huge and they hit my windows with high speed. Anyway I found myself thinking of threats, and how these can kill you at some point or how they can rise you up when you defeat them. We live our life bare naked in a strong rain of threats, hitting us every single day. You have to be really strong to get up everytime, dry.
To answer my own question... I just stare at the window, although I try to do something useful meanwhile [like working] and of course you can't just stare at a window and work in the same time. At about 8 the sun showed out and I opened the windows for the fresh air and continued was I was doing before.
What do butterflies do when it rains?
"Imagine a monarch butterfly searching for nectar or a mate in a meadow on a humid afternoon in July. Suddenly, a fast-moving thunderstorm approaches, bringing gusty winds and large raindrops. For the monarch and other butterflies this is not a trivial matter. An average monarch weighs roughly 500 milligrams; large raindrops have a mass of 70 milligrams or more. A raindrop this size striking a monarch would be equivalent to you or I being pelted by water balloons with twice the mass of bowling balls.
Amateur and professional lepidopterists tell tales of butterflies darting into protective vegetation and scrambling beneath leaves when dark skies, strong breezes and the first raindrops signal an imminent storm. During heavy rains and wind, butterflies are rarely seen. Not only does rain pose a direct threat of injury or death, but the cool air associated with storms may also reduce temperatures below the thermal threshold for butterfly flight. In preparation for flight, these aerial acrobats expose their wings to direct sunlight, which rapidly warms their flight muscles. Overcast skies limit their ability to gather the solar radiation needed to take wing. A butterfly knocked from the air by raindrops thus faces the double threat of crashing in an inhospitable habitat where predators lay in wait and being unable to warm its body sufficiently to regain flight. Little wonder, then, that when skies darken, butterflies seek shelter in their nighttime homes.
Butterflies are quiescent when it is dark and take refuge in protected locations called roosts within one or two hours of sunset. Roosts may be tall grasses, perennial herbaceous plants, tangled thickets of woody shrubs, undersides of large leaves, caves or, in some cases, man-made objects such as fences or hanging baskets. Butterflies may also roost in the vegetation beneath overhanging trees. The leaves of the upper canopy intercept raindrops and reduce their impact on vegetation and butterflies below.
Several species of neotropical butterflies, such as the zebra butterfly, Heliconius charitonius, roost in the company of their peers. Perhaps as a result of the good company, Heliconius exhibits curious fidelity to roosts, often returning to the same location or individual plant for several nights. When rain threatens, zebra butterflies enter their nocturnal roosts much earlier than they would on clear days. And, like us humans, they demonstrate considerable lethargy on rainy mornings, delaying their usual early departure by as much as several hours. Unusually long stretches of rainy weather may even reduce the population of butterflies in a roosting group, because cool temperatures hinder their mobility and therefore their ability to escape from predators.
Ultimately, what butterflies do in the rain is avoid it. But with the return of sunshine following a summer shower, they often resume patrolling and courting within minutes. So the next time the sky darkens and thunder rumbles, take a cue from the butterflies. Find a safe roost out of the rain, but as soon as the sun returns, go out and enjoy."
This afternoon I mostly just surfed on the web, read blogs... I viewed this video that a few people in blogging talked about, so I thought I would also share it with you guys.
"Guilty!!! " This was my status all these past weeks. It was so because I felt extremely sad and truly guilty because I wasn't paying enough attention to school. I have studied almost nothing!
Every single time I put my foot in the University building I have millions of arrows hitting me. Not because my colleagues don't know me so well, not because teachers don't know me... but simply because I wanted so hard to study what I liked [and don't ask why I haven't/couldn't, it would take about 100 posts back in time...maybe I will go there some time] It would have been a great year. I am sorry... and I say this lately more and more: I am sorry. Until now I haven't believed in regrets.
Since this last weekend the guilt started to fade away. I am studying! Today I spent at least 7 hours just on marketing... it feels so dam good!I envy all of those who had their status "High intellectual activity" while their were online and busy... but hey kids! This is my new status also!
I must warn you. Once you have started to read my posts...you have to know that I have this weird "things" that I find really defining me as human being. So please... all you read here remains in your computer's frames and never leave [now I'm trying to be funny!!!]
One of these weird things: sometimes my heart beats really fast [and no, I don't suffer of any heart disease]. This is when I have a really strange feeling in my whole body... It is similar to the strangest EMOTION you could experience. I feel it from my throught to my stomach. When I feel it [RARELY, don't panic...I'm ok and sane :)] I know for SURE that something major will happen to me or around me. It happened to me before and I was never mistaken.
Today was a really boring day. It rained all day and all I had to do was accounting preparation [the weather didn't allow me to study something else]. In the evening I went out for a walk...the sun came up for about an hour, and then... I felt it. That "heart beat" was there... well actually it was close, because I felt it and put out my shield: "Don't even go there!" [talking to myself!]. So it wasn't actually for real, but I see the threat. Now I find myself analyzing what possibly could be that one major thing threatening to happen...and knowing myself this is what I can think of:
failing really bad the exam session
falling in love with a wrong person
having a disappointing "aha moment"
loosing another friend
someone close letting me down how I would never expect
...no particular order to these. Red alert is on, it is always something bad...but to be positive [as people know me], maybe it will be the first time to be the signal for a good thing?
This weekend I have done pretty much NOTHING! As I have decided I was going in the wrong way and I should take more time for myself. Starting with Friday each day I watched one part of Lord of the rings each night. I was really rejecting this kind of movies...but I actually loved it!
Besides that I have done a lot of accounting preparation for my exam. "a lot" meaning spending a lot of time on that not necessarily doing a lot. Even now I have my desk full of papers, books and a lot of pens. I feel good when I know that at least I have tried studying and being a good student. I haven't done this in a very long time...so I feel like "coming home". I feel good that I am home with no other worry...going nowhere, doing almost nothing. I have in my computer a full chillout music collection [accidentally downloaded], but I never listened to it until now: 214 songs...and I am at 75 now.
Tonight I have visited maybe the one best friend left. She lives a couple of blocks far from my place, but we see each other quite rarely. I brought icecream although it was raining, we ate eggplant salad, talked about school, dentists, our sex life [jokingof course] and we absolutely made fun of the MTV Romanian Music awards from last night. How in the world can somebody use the same jeans and t-shirt as usual, win the "best live performance" award while you performed on stage playback 2 minutes before? How can you have the Sugababes on stage doing their best [they really sang and danced hard] and you keep your but on the chair.
I felt nice...it feels ok. Tomorrow I am back in the "fight zone"
I think I have figured it out...the reason why I cannot listen to the music I couldn't live without up until now.
One of my guiding values is life isdevotion, and I always had this fear [close to phobia] that the things happening to me, the persons around me and what I cherish it is not real enough. That their words, actionsand repercussionsare not pure, true and perfect. I guess I fear not to be deceived in any way, even if I don't know it. It is the same fear/rule about the music.
It is not about the music itself as the sound result that I analyze and criticize...it is about how real it feels, about the passion the artist puts into giving the song life. It is about making your own music, believing in it; it is about singing a life - doesn't really matter who's is it. About not wanting to be in the media's center of attention, not about selling hundreds of 1000s of records and having concerts on stadiums.So these days...when I felt like nothing is good anymore, not even the dam music I believed in... such tiny detail in a human beings life, it was simply because I have lost the credibility of my own life. If you fear to much of the world surrounding you not to deceive you...you forget to watch your back of your own person.
I simply betrayed myself by putting to many hours per day in unimportant things: work, work, making money and again work. Stupid thing to do. So I played tonight a couple of videos of my "favorite" band...and it clicked. They're not popular and rich, but they have their music real. Tiny little thing this music if you don't look at the industry, but it can change lives. I'm ok in letting it influence me, it has proven to be everything I have written above I expect.
The pressure is gone now because of it. I can start all over again... or just continue from were I have left: believing that good and pure things do exist,that even if dreams don't all come true they fill holes and nnobody could stay alive without them.
